Fuck
So my parents my family everybody in my life it just fucking sucks just to let you know I have no fucking boyfriend I have nobody to help me with Cara I’m fucking tired I’m sick and tired of everything in every single person Keeps making it harder and harder for me to be happy I’m getting really really tired of it. I don’t know what to do I’m so sick of this shit I’m all over everything. My new fucking laptop doesn’t work so I don’t even get to type about how pissed off I am I get to put it on fuckin tumblr. I told my friends none of my friends have anything to fucking say to me its just me just me just me and kara just me and everything thats fucked up. I am so fucking pissed off right now I can hardly stand it I was so excited to finally have an outlet have a laptop that is my music my pictures for my shit on it and it doesn’t fucking work and I can’t handle it I can’t handle any of this fucking shit. And I can’t find my valume so that makes a lot fucking harder. Where the fuck do I fit in anywhere does anybody have a place for me in there fucked up lives. No one has a place for us nobody even wants us. Oh I’m sorry Matthew if you have to read this but I need to be able to have an outlet in this was supposed to meet my personal one
Phenom ??
March 6 2013
56 day sober. No Facebook for a week. I love Matthew. And god. A good deal because of Matthew. Im a very lucky woman. Smiles. Love. Cigarettes. Coffee. GOD.
March 6. well I guess we will not be doing Facebook for a week so I will update my personal public secret journal. I attended a a today it is my 56th day sober I got my 30 day chip and I am absolutely on cloud 9. I am so in love with Matthew and doing so well I am happy. Jarrett return to jail yesterday and I will be doing the divorce process as well as court for his new charges this month and that is a stressor but really can’t keep me down I am just doing so well. that is all for now I love myself I love you love is amazing God is amazing.
it’s weird kind of things that resonate with you you never know really what is going to be. today was just a crazy day in realization there so many things running through my head that I feel the only way to try and sort some of that out is by trying to write it down every time that I feel like I’ve found something gold I somehow get things messed up in my mind with expectations and social wise and things that I am NOT even 100 percent leaving in at this point in my life there are 2 things that I can for sure believe in you and that is the universe and love I know that we are all divine creatures waiting for realization of our purpose and I believe that I do know what the purpose of existence is in it is love every time that I try to love and I tried to open myself up to be loved I feel like there is this horrible thing that happens and I’m just destroyed I really don’t want to feel vulnerable like this any longer but if I don’t put myself out there will never find something that I’m looking for I didn’t love having this teacher in my life I love this person he’s amazing I think that he is a creature from another it Roma’s existence that can really impact my life positively the downside is that he is so damaged himself I’m not sure that he’s ready to be everything that we both long 4 I am completely upset knowing that what he long for the not just me it’s me and so many others I cannot be okay with knowing that somebody does not want just me I am NOT good enough that is what keeps running through my head is that I wasn’t good enough for 1 person so I definitely wasn’t good enough for another person and now once again I fall short of what I need to be to have somebody in my life I’m kind of disgusted with the fact that I keep doing this to myself the openness that I have that gets me in this kind of predicament is my own fault I don’t know if it’s a fault because I do believe in love and I do want to remain positive and open to every possibility of love to but this just keeps getting worse and worse and worse and you know I’m trying to keep an open perspective about the situation and I just can’t see you around the fact I will never alone be good enough to satisfy I become so invested in this 1 thing that I may have disappointed the people around me as well as missed out on other things that could have been a very good thing I feel like maybe I need to find somebody is going to be on the same page and I’m so very glad that we were honest and open because I think we are all reading the same book at least now I’m broken hearted that it’s not going to work out but it was said 4 or 5 times I guess I just need to follow my intuition on this and what it’s telling me is that I need to look at other options this is not right for me my first feeling about it was that it was wrong for me I feel like I should go with that instinct I am a very very perceptive person who feels a lot more than most people ever would want you and I understand things differently then anyone could ever expect from somebody and I think that alone got me to the position I am in because he thinks that since I was understanding of some sort of messed up things that I would always be understanding. I feel and that’s it I feel love I feel compassion I feel miserable feel sadness I feel depression I feel to joi I feel everything my feel hurt right now I wonder when I will find something or somebody that makes me feel less alone on this planet
have u eva
woke up with ya underoos in yo back pocket and the wrong hole hurtin’?!?!? yup
